Dealbreaker!
by Kurt Fearella
Summary: Sebastian is calling him a dealbreaker, and Kurt has absolutely no idea why. He never broke any deals. Will Sebastian drive Kurt to insanity? And will Kurt ever find out what a dealbreaker is? Crack!fic, inspired by a true story. Just read.


**A/N: I will explain everything in the ending author's note. Or at least try to.**

It was a perfect date for Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson. However, that was all about to change.

First, they went to the cinema to see _Hunger Games_. Kurt had cried for practically the entire movie. Blaine had been rubbing his back comfortingly, his eyes glued to the screen. _Hunger Games _was followed by a romantic dinner. Somehow, Kurt didn't feel like eating after the movie they'd just seen, so they decided to substitute a meal for a quiet walk in the park.

It was dusk. The air was crisp and smelled like spring.

It was just cold enough for Kurt to cuddle up in Blaine's arms. They sat down on a rusty park bench, Blaine's arm slung over Kurt's shoulder, lazy smiles on their faces.

Neither of them spoke for a long time.

"I love you." Blaine said, out of the blue. He sighed, completely at ease.

"I love you too." Kurt snuggled closer, burying his head in Blaine's shoulder. He tilted his chin. Blaine's lips were mere inches away...

"Dealbreaker."

It was a nasty, sneering, mocking voice. Blaine and Kurt jerked away from each other and looked around nervously. If it was a McKinley jock, things could get ugly.

"Deeeeeaaaaaalbreaker."

"Who are you?" Blaine shouted, rising to his feet. Kurt did the same.

"What deal did we break?" Kurt called, bewildered. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end, and he whipped around.

It was Sebastian. Of course it was Sebastian.

"You stalker!" Kurt spat, ignoring a warning look from Blaine. "You absolutely need to get a life."

Sebastian stepped out of the shadows. The street lamp's dim light fell across his face, casting long shadows over his cheekbones that made him look especially sinister.

"You're out of uniform." said Blaine coolly, surveying the gate-crasher. Sebastian wore the same green polo he'd donned at Scandals.

"Dealbreaker." Sebastian grinned broadly as if he'd just said something very clever.

"Okay, you can't keep saying that without telling us what you mean!" Kurt exclaimed furiously. It was bad enough that Sebastian was trying to ruin their date. And now he was spouting out some random crap?

"But you're a dealbreaker." Sebastian snickered.

"DEALBREAKER." Kurt screamed. "DEALBREAKER, DEALBREAKER. _WE GET IT_."

"You're a dealbreaker." Sebastian jabbed his finger into Kurt's chest.

"Don't touch him." Blaine stepped protectively in front of his boyfriend.

"He's a _dealbreaker_." Sebastian told him smugly, and before anyone could react, the Warbler wheeled around and darted away, snorting.

The two boys listened to his fading footsteps.

"That was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen." Blaine breathed when they were alone. "'Dealbreaker?' What does that even mean?"

"Something vulgar and offensive, I'm sure, as it's him." Kurt huffed.

They walked back to Kurt's car in silence.

_Whatever a dealbreaker is, it's ruined our night,_ thought Kurt sourly. "'Night, Blaine!" he called as he dropped the boy off at his house.

Blaine gave him a half-smile. He clearly had the dealbreaker on the mind, too.

* * *

The next morning was Saturday. Kurt had just woken up, and was sleepily brushing his hair when his iPhone vibrated. The text was from an unfamiliar number.

**Dealbreaker,**

**Lima Bean. 11:00. Table by the left window.**

"Why, Sebastian?" Kurt groaned at his mobile. He did not text back.

He was too curious as to what a dealbreaker was to back out. So Kurt dressed quickly in a wool petticoat and maroon leggings and drove to the Lima Bean café.

He did leave a note on the kitchen table. Just in case. He had no idea what Sebastian was capable of.

* * *

"Sebastian." Kurt grunted, dropping into the seat across from him.

"Dealbreaker." Sebastian replied immediately, a triumphant expression on his face.

Kurt crossed his arms. "If you don't explain to me what you mean, I'm going to leave."

"You are a dealbreaker. You broke the deal." Sebastian explained, smirking.

"WHAT FREAKING DEAL?" Kurt blurted. Several people gave him angry looks.

"The deal we made? Remember?"

"No!" Kurt snapped.

"The deal about how if you don't act all lovey-dovey and disgusting with Blaine, I will stop calling you dealbreaker?"

"No. We never made any kind of deal like that!" Kurt knit his eyebrows together.

"Well, you broke the deal."

Kurt stood up, pushing the chair away. "Great, Sebastian. I understand everything now." he said sarcastically. "Here's a deal for you; stay the hell away from me and my boyfriend, and then I'll never talk to you again. It's a win-win."

Sebastian shook his head, looking as if the whole thing amused him. "I'll see you and Blaine tonight at his house."

"How do you even _know_ about that?" Kurt screamed, horrified.

"DEALBREAKER!" he screamed back gleefully. "DEALBREAKER!"

"YOU'RE A DEALBREAKER!" Kurt hollered, red in the face.

"DEALBREAKER!"

"DEALBREAKER!"

"Um." a café worker approached the boys nervously. She fiddled with her braid and said, "Excuse me, but could you please take your broken deals and yourselves out of here? You're disturbing the other customers."

"Fine." Kurt snapped at her. As he sauntered out of the restaurant, he suddenly felt Sebastian's cool breath on his neck.

"Dealbreaker," Sebastian whispered seductively, maddeningly, and then he swept out the door.

Shaking with fury, Kurt uncharacteristically kicked over an empty chair. He felt disgusted with himself. He was turning into Finn!

"I am a dealbreaker." Kurt breathed to himself when he was safely inside his Navigator. "Yet I still have no idea what a dealbreaker is..."

He looked over at the passenger's seat, and of course, there sat Sebastian. Sebastian opened his mouth.

You can guess what he was going to say.

**A/N: Well...how do I explain this...? Um. Well.**

**There's this boy at my school who feels the need to scream "DEALBREAKER!" at me. Like Kurt, I have no idea what the deal is. Or how I broke it. I think I did at one point, but I don't any more. Soon, I started screaming DEALBREAKER back at him. Yes, dear readers, that was the inspiration for this sorry excuse of a fanfiction.**

**Review!**


End file.
